Thoughts

So very many thoughts lately…

• What will happen to the Wonder boys?
• Will Sheila be able to get treatment?
• Jessi is going to be missed when she goes back home Feb. 18.
• So happy to finally see Wilta at school. She has wanted this for so long and now she is free and realizing her dream!
• I wish I could speak Creole (no, they don’t speak Haitian in Haiti)
• The hike up the mountain is not getting easier. Yet :)
• I cannot get over the view (in every direction) atop Bellvue mountain.
• Tachi makes AMAZING bean sauce. I could eat it every day along with her red sauce.
• I want so badly to be able to communicate with Baylove and Fenickson (not to mention everyone else :) )
• Eating anything in front of the kids at school brings on guilt knowing they feel a hunger I have never felt.
• I miss my church and am thankful for sermon podcasts.
• Someone needs to invent solar powered laptops and phones (or install solar panels at the RH house).
• I stink. Literally.
• After two days of giving fluoride treatments I am not inspired to be a dentist or dental hygienist. God bless dental hygienists.
• In Haiti you are whatever you are needed to be: nurse, cook, dental hygienist, doctor, hostess, care giver, teacher, wedding planner/coordinator, photographer, videographer, painter, computer tech, house keeper, wash lady, English tutor/homework helper, and the list will continue to grow I’m sure.
• I just got goosebumps.
• I am so thankful for all of the people coming down in the next few weeks who so eagerly, and willing, are bringing me goodies.
• I’m excited to see friends I met in Haiti over the summer when they are at myLIFEspeaks in just over two weeks!
• Yesterday one of our workers dug food out of our trashcan. I was caught off guard and my heart sank/ached. Mark said it was probably for our landlords dog… I hope so.
• Will Wadley and Bernard be able to get their visas? (they were denied at their interview last week.)
• Why doesn’t God make some things more obvious?
• What is next? What comes after April 1?
• There are so many people I miss and have been thinking about; wishing I could catch up with them in person.
• I sometimes feel pulled between two worlds.
• My shoulder is killing me. Any chiropractors or massage therapists want to come to Haiti?!?
• I love seeing the school kids hug their teachers. There is one older teacher in particular whom I see kids run up to and hug, I don’t mean a quick little hug, they grab him around his waist and hold on for a while. I LOVE it. I love that you can tell he cares! (He teaches accelerated 3 & 4 which is one of the most difficult classes because you have a wide age range of kids trying to finish two grades in one year in an attempt to catch up.)
• I’m thankful for other missionaries in the area who are so willing to help out whether it’s with transportation, lending laptops or coming out to help start/fix our generator. 
• Trying to understand Haitian logic is mind boggling. (Haitian logic should be an oxymoron :) )  
• We live in a fallen, broken world full of the evilness of the enemy. 

         "We're gonna take back all the enemy has stolen

           

           For how could He who did not spare His own Son 
           Not freely give us victory against the darkness of nights

          We're going to plunder the pits of hell

          It's in the Blood of the One who's Worthy"

          -Will Reagan & United Pursuit

And these aren’t even all the thoughts running through my mind…

Sheila

We took Sheila to a hospital in PAP on Sunday to see some Drs who were in from the States. The Dr didn’t need any tests done to confirm breast cancer. Sheila was shocked she really thought she was getting better (the wound is getting smaller but she has some “knots” that continue to grow and harden) and had no clue. We, on the other hand, were thinking cancer more and more with each packing. The Dr thinks the cancer could have already to spread to multiple places and because of where it is etc, they couldn’t cut or do anything Sunday.

Shelia had an appointment today at a cancer center in PAP. They were very supportive and reassuring, and will continue to check with Sheila and support her as she seeks treatment elsewhere (this particular center would be really expensive so they recommend somewhere else).

Sheila has young kids and wants to fight; she is not ready to give up.

Having cancer here seems extra hopeless. My heart aches for Sheila, it aches for her husband, and for her children. My heart is also thankful that Respire is here to help and offer support. Reality is if we hadn’t started helping her four weeks ago she might not be here right now.

We are praying for a miracle for Sheila, for healing, knowing and believing God has a plan and can heal Sheila if that is His will. If healing isn’t His will His plan is still good.

Pray with us as we walk through this with Sheila and her family. Pray for wisdom and guidance; for healing, strength, and energy for Sheila. Pray for encouragement and comfort for Sheila, her husband and children.

Take No Thought

(1.27.13)

“Take not thought for your life.”

Matthew 6:25

A warning which needs to be reiterated is that the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the lust of other things entering in, will choke all that God puts in. We are never free from the recurring tides of this encroachment. If it does not come on the line of clothes and good, it will come on the line of money or lack of money; of friends or lack of friends; or on the lines of difficult circumstances. It is one steady encroachment all the time, and unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the standard against it, these things will come in like a flood.

   “Take no thought for your life.” “Be careful about one thing only,” says our Lord, “your relationship to Me.” Common sense shouts loud and says, “That is absurd, I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.” Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing the thought that this statement is made by One Who does not understand our particular circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things so as to make them the one concern of our life. Whenever there is competition, be sure that you put your relationship to God first.

   “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” How much evil has begun to threaten you today? What kind of mean little imps have been looking in and saying –Now what are you going to do next month – this summer? “Be anxious for nothing,” Jesus says. Look again and think. Keep your mind on the “’much more” of your heavenly Father.

-My Utmost For His Highest

Reality Check

(1.21.13)

There is a young 12 year old boy, Baylove, who has the biggest, brightest smile that goes to his eyes, he lives on BellVue mountain. I’ve only ever seen him with a smile on his face, and most times I see him he is carrying his little water jug, hiking from one side of the mountain where he lives, to the other side where he gets water. What’s in between those two places? Respire Haiti Christian School. Baylove has NEVER been to school... NEVER. Not once.

Today I was in the K-2 class and looked up to see Baylove walking past the window. My eyes lit up when I saw him, and there was that big smile. I went to the window shook his hand, talked to him and you could see the longing in his eyes, wishing he were sitting in a classroom, yet he was so happy. I asked if he’d eaten today and he said no. But did the smile leave his eyes? No.

It was another reality check. I’ve been sleeping on a super uncomfortable mattress, springs popping up and poking, you have to re-adjust through the night so you don’t wake up with sore spots, and before I had a “proper” mosquito net it was even more uncomfortable and harder to sleep. I’ve only voiced

these things once, maybe twice, but every time I see Baylove it’s a smack in the face. How can I complain about the discomfort of my mattress when so many of our kids may not have mattress to sleep on. How can I be bothered when our house runs out of water and we have to a)walk to the other house to shower or b)walk 10 yards to the cistern to draw a bucket of water when Baylove has to walk across the mountain to get water EVERY day, most likely multiple times a day.

Reality Check.

Fenickson is an 11 year old neighbor boy who goes to our school. He doesn’t have a very good home situation so he spends a lot of time hanging out here. A few days ago Josh asked him if he ate everyday and he looked at Josh like it was the dumbest question ever. Of course he doesn’t eat everyday (other than what he gets at school five days a week). We can always tell when Fenickson is hungry; he is a whole different boy after he’s eaten.

He’s such a bright kid who just needs love, time invested in him, to be taken care of. So much potential going unrecognized by those who should notice. I love it when he’s here and my heart breaks when I see him arriving at school with his sad look, when I see him walking along the road, or around the mountain with that same look.

Reality Check.

When I see these boys it’s a reminder to take any focus off myself, to see the needs around me, to make sure I take the time to say a simple “hi” and ask “how are you?” I pray through these simple gestures, through getting to know these boys, they will know they have potential. I pray they will realize there are people who care, that through us they will see and experience the love of Christ. I pray they will come to know hope; the hope of a future not only on this earth but, most importantly, in heaven.

My heart breaks thinking of these boys and at the same time is so happy for the hope there is for them. The hope and prayer is that Baylove will possibly be able to get some tutoring over the summer to learn some basic things and start school next fall. I’m so excited!

Lavi

As I sat on the dirty concrete under a cloudless, starry sky singing praises with Americans, Haitians and Australians I had another “this is what it’s all about” moment.

We sat there, with Barry sitting in a kiddie pool of ice water, full-time missionaries, short-term volunteers, former restaveks, people from different cultures, backgrounds, professions, etc. living life together.

I looked around at all the people God had brought together because of their faithfulness and obedience to Him and was in awe.

Words really cannot describe the moment.

Awesome. Amazing. Incredible. All words that can describe the moment yet are not quite adequate.

Barry McDonald is an Australian running across Haiti in 12 days, 10 running days and two rest days, one marathon each day. WOW! He is doing it to raise awareness for maternal health and to raise funds for a maternity clinic in Port au Prince. It was incredibly inspiring to stand on the road this morning alongside our school children cheering, waving, clapping, chanting, encouraging Barry on his way.

Pray for Barry as he continues on tomorrow, and for the next six days. Pray for healing (he is in pain), protection on the busy, not exactly safe, roads of Haiti, strength, that God will be glorified, and His light will shine through Barry as he runs across Haiti. 

Life

(1.14.13)

It’s all about life. Doing life together. Relationships.

When doing something like this (living in Haiti for 3 months, or any length) it’s hard not to feel like you need a title/job description. It’s what people expect.

I don’t have a title or set job description, I don’t know what I’ll be doing day to day. I’m literally living life in Haiti with the people God puts me in contact with each day. So simple but so hard to explain to people, they just don’t "get it."

Right now we have a young teenage girl temporarily living with us. Robertline is a student at Respire Haiti Christian School and we recently found out her brother, whom she’d been living with, moved to another town leaving her completely alone. A young teenage girl living by herself – this has rape written all over it. Robertline stayed with us for the first time last night and told Jessi, “I’m so glad I’m here, that I can sleep tonight and don’t have to be afraid.” When asked why she was afraid she responded, “boys come to my house at night and knock on the door, it scares me and I don’t sleep.” I’m sure this isn’t a friendly knocking and that it continues.

Can you even imagine that?

If I were a young teenage girl living alone in what we Americans would never consider a home and had boys knocking at my door every night I would be terrified!

Robertline got to sleep last night. No knocking. No fear. No worry. Tonight, right now, Robertline gets to sleep soundly for another night. This is what it is about. Building relationships, living life with each other, inviting people into our daily lives when they need help and we can offer it.

I could share more stories from the past two weeks of sharing life with people and the differences being made because of it. If Megan, Josh, Jessi, Rita and the rest of the RH team were focused on a title, a job description, getting their “to do” list accomplished so many of these opportunities would be over looked, so many of these relationships would never be.

So don’t be so focused on your task at hand, don’t get so focused on your title or “to do” list that you miss the opportunities right in front of you for relationship, the opportunities to make a difference in someone’s life.

Life. It’s all about doing life together. Relationship.

Discipling or Disinfecting?

Read this this morning in Radical by David Platt. Puts words to some thoughts I’ve had lately (some longer than just lately). Also goes along with the vision my church back in the States has for 2013. It’s a little long but worth reading. Challenging.

“Making disciples by going, baptizing, and teaching people the Word of Christ and then enabling them to do the same thing in other people’s lives-this is the plan God has for each of us to impact nations for the glory of Christ.

      This plan seems so counterintuitive to our way of thinking. In a culture where bigger is always better and flashy is always more effective, Jesus beckons each of us to plainly, humbly, and quietly focus our lives on people. The reality is, you can’t share life like this with masses and multitudes. Jesus didn’t. He spent three years with twelve guys. If the Son of God thought it necessary to focus his life on a small group of men, we are fooling ourselves to think we can mass-produce disciples today. God’s design for taking the gospel to the world is a slow, intentional, simple process that involves every one of his people sacrificing every facet of their lives to multiply the life of Christ in others.

      I was in Cuba a few weeks ago, and this is exactly the picture I saw. In Cuba you will not observe large church buildings and flashy church advertisements. You will hardly notice the church at all…until you get to know the people. We visited one small, impoverishes Cuban church. This one church had planted sixty other churches. The next day we visited one of the churches they had planted. That church had planted twenty-five other churches. Cuban Christians are taking Jesus at his word and multiplying the church by making disciples. Nothing big and nothing extravagant. Just going, baptizing, and teaching, and in the process planting churches from coast to coast across that island nation.

      But we resist this plan, resorting to performances and programs that seem much more “successful.” In our Christian version of the American dream, our plan ends up disinfecting Christians from the world more than discipling Christians in the world. Let me explain the difference.

      Disinfecting Christians from the world involves isolating followers of Christ in a spiritual safe-deposit box called the church building and teaching them to be good. In this strategy, success in the church is defined by how big a building you have to house all the Christians, and the goal is to gather as many people as possible for a couple of hours each week in that place where we are isolated and insulated from the realities of the world around us. When someone asks, ‘Where is your church?’ we point them to a building or give them an address, and everything centers around what happens at that location.

      When we gather at the building, we learn to be good. Being good is defined by what we avoid in the world. We are holy because of what we don’t participate in (and at this point we may be the only organization in the world defining success by what we don’t do). We live decent lives in decent homes with decent jobs and decent families as decent citizens. We are decent church members with little more impact on the world than we had before we were saved. Though thousands may join us, ultimately we have turned a deaf ear to billions who haven’t even heard his name.

      Discipling is much different.

      Whereas disinfecting Christians involves isolating them and teaching them to be good, discipling Christians involves propelling Christians into the world to risk their lives for the sake of others. Now the world is our focus, and we gauge success in the church not on the hundreds or thousands whom we can get into our buildings but on the hundreds or thousands who are leaving our buildings to take on the world with the disciples they are making. In this case, we would never think that the disciple-making plan of Jesus could take place in one service a week at one location led by one or two teachers. Disciple making takes place multiple times every week in multiples locations by an army of men and women sharing, showing, and teaching the Word of Christ and together serving a world in need of Christ.

      All of a sudden, holiness is defined by what we do. We are now a community of faith taking Jesus at his word and following his plan, even when it does not make sense to the culture around us and even when it costs us.

      In the process we are realizing that we actually were intended to reach the world for the glory of Christ, and we are discovering that the purpose for which we were created is accessible to every one of us. Children and the elderly, students and workers, men and women all joined together in a body that is united with other followers of Christ around the world in a practical strategy to make disciples and impact nations for the glory of Christ. A community of Christians each multiplying the gospel by going, baptizing, and teaching in the contexts where they live every day. Is anything else, according to the Bible, even considered a church?”

Sheila

Our team of doctors left Wednesday but we’ve continued to see our patient, Shelia. Sheila and her husband have a nurse friend who works for the Haitian Red Cross and has committed to take over caring for Sheila. The nurse comes here every other day to use our facility and supplies. God has provided all we need; help, materials, etc. Continue to pray for the complete healing of her body.

It’s been powerful to watch Sheila heal, to see this wound get smaller each time, to watch the strength this woman has and what she endures, to hold her hand through this, to pray over and with her. Powerful.

Bullet-Points

(1.11.13)

I often have too many thoughts to be able to form a cohesive blog, not to mention that they are incomplete, not totally processed, have no answer/solution… So here is my bullet point blog (thank you Jessi for the idea :) ).

•  Evil is incredibly real here
•   Living here can be incredibly frustrating, challenging, discouraging, and heartbreaking, but at the same time joy-filled, encouraging, smile inducing, happy, heart-warming and incredible.
•    I don’t know how people work/serve here without knowing the Lord and having that hope.
•  I feel cleaner than I thought I would after a bucket bath.
• Washing clothes by hand, particularly wringing out jeans, is HARD work. Note to self: invest in more running/athletic shorts :)  
•   I think I can tolerate rats better than ants and cockroache
• Electricity is over-rated :)
• God is at work here. RH is definitely a work of the Holy Spirit moving and His servants being obedient and faithful.
•   Pastor and Madame Benito have the greatest testimony of being patient and persistent, trusting God and believing He will answer. 12 years they faithfully prayed weekly atop Bellvue Mountain for God to do something great on that mountaintop and today He is doing just that.
• The kids here are so easy to love (and some difficult at the same time :) )
• The enemy is constantly attacking
• The RH team is so real and I love it!
• God is opening my eyes anew to the daily sights that have become “normal” to me. Re-softening and breaking my heart to those things that, though see everywhere you look, are NOT, should not be, normal.
• While I can’t wait for it to be March 16 (the day Stephanie, Natalie and their team arrive) April is already too close and I can’t imagine having to leave again.
•    I miss having a beach within walking distance and multiple beaches within a short drive.
• I got to see sweet Clevens last Saturday and he looks SO good!
•   Tomorrow marks the third anniversary of the earthquake. I have been in Haiti on January 12 the past three years. Had God not changed our plans I would have been here January 12, 2010 too.
• You never know who it is God has for us to witness and be a testimony to. It isn’t always the Haitians or the “obvious” ones, but the Americans, the ones we live amongst. (We have one American on the team, living here, who is not a believer and have had at least 5 non-believers here on teams.)
• My battery is about to die because we haven’t had current (power) since this morning.

Praising in Prayer

What a day today has been. Our patient returned today and things looked a lot better. It's still not known if this woman has an infection or cancer but, there was so much dead tissue the Dr. did surgery and removed quite a bit. There are not words adequate enough for what I saw today. The strength and courage of this woman, the way the medical team worked together under the circumstances (no proper OR, no electricity, not sucky, but sucky, syringes, the list goes on), the way the Dr. took everything a step at a time, the way the non-medical team member stepped up, help this woman's hand, translated walking her through and comforting her the whole time, the way our team "assisted," comforted this woman, prayed. God was there. 

I don't think I've fully processed, nor can I. 

Pray for this woman. Pray for a miracle, for healing, pray it is not cancer, pray God gives grace and strength to the one who has to step up and care for this wound after the Dr. leaves Wednesday. Pray that the supplies we need, and are low on, to care for our patient will provided when they are needed. Pray for this woman's heart and soul.

First-Hand

(written 1.4.13)

Things are so different here from Jacmel. Not just the location and living conditions (I don’t like using that word because it makes it sound like the conditions are bad, which they aren’t), but the ministry.

We have a team here this week doing a medical clinic and yesterday I spent the day in the clinic helping where needed. I started out outside playing with kids who were waiting, attempting to talk with them :) always fun. I moved inside and helped people find eyeglasses, took people for urine tests, ran here, ran there. But there were two women who stuck out.

We actually sent one lady to the hospital with one of our doctors, hoping she’d be able to get a biopsy. That didn’t happen. Long story short without the biopsy there isn’t a way of knowing exactly what is going on, what treatment/procedure she needs. Is it an infection? Is it cancer? Either way it’s not good. If it’s cancer this lady’s only chance of survival is a miracle.

The Dr. decided to clean it up and try to drain it (this is the part I got in on) and based on that she really thinks it is cancer, there was no puss or anything like that.

(this might get graphic) But to see that woman’s breast the size of a cantaloupe, burst open, fungating, leaking “stuff” and not being able to REALLY do anything seemed so wrong. All we could do was clean it, wrap it up, give antibiotics and pain meds, and tell her to come back Sunday. The hope is that maybe it will look better and the Dr. can, possibly, rule out cancer. That is not likely.

I’ve heard these kinds of stories of course, I know these things happen in Haiti every. single. day. But I have never personally experienced or witnessed it. To see it first-hand it hits you like simply hearing about it cannot. I cannot imagine being in her situation and knowing there is no way to get help. Unless some doctors come in and see me for free, give me free meds, possibly surgery, all I can do is live with it. If she goes to a hospital  here they turn her away because it is so bad (they don’t want to chance the statistic of another death).

This woman was(is) a trooper. She doesn’t really have pain unless she is being poked, pressed and prodded, thank God, but she sat there and said, “God gave me this.” She wasn’t saying it in a bad, angry, bitter, upset way. Just matter of fact. This is from God.

Sorry for the rambling, still processing.

I don’t know the whole story with the other lady who touched my heart. I walked up after she’d been seen and Jessi and the doctor were talking to her. This is what I got though, this woman was taking care of two children, a two year old and a baby, who aren’t hers biologically. She was breastfeeding the older child and couldn’t/wouldn’t breastfeed the younger because she couldn’t produce enough milk.

Jess told her the older child is doing great and doesn’t need to be breastfeed anymore but that baby was small and NEEDED her breast milk. Don’t know why but the woman took this kind of hard. They have her vitamins, they gave her formula for the baby to supplement while her body produces more milk.

I don’t know why but as Jessi told this woman how special she was, that God had chosen her to care for these children, that she was blessed, to stay strong, tears welled up in my eyes.

I’m sure this woman has next to nothing to begin with but she took these kids on not only sacrificing money, food, housing, etc. but her body as well. My mind is blown away by these people.

Without Knowing

(written 1.2.13)

I arrived in Gressier safe and sound, although very tired, with my (brand new) mangled luggage.

I basically slept the day away :) After lunch I slept for about 6 hours and then was back in bed before 9:30.

This is definitely a step outside my comfort zone, a stretch beyond the box of Haiti that I have become comfortable and “safe” within.

Something that hasn’t changed is that I love this place. It was a little like coming home, all the familiar sights, sounds and smells that are Haiti. It was a little weird on the drive from the airport to think that I’m in Haiti and won’t be seeing  the HAF kids whom I love and miss so dearly.

I have no idea what God has for me on this journey or the things He will put before me to do but I’m anxious to figure it out.

This morning’s reading in “My Utmost for His Highest” was titled “Will You Go Without Knowing?” Here is what it said…

“He went out, not knowing whither he went.” Hebrews 11:8

“Have you been ‘out’ in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question – ‘What do you expect to do?’ You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in perpetual wonder-you do not know what God is going to do next. Each morning you wake it is to be a ‘going out,’ building in confidence on God. ‘Take no thought for your life,… nor yet for your body’ – take not thought for the things for which you did take thought before you ‘went out.’

                Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?

                Suppose God is the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him – what an impertinence worry is! Let the attitude of the life be a continual ‘going out’ in dependence upon God, and your life will have an ineffable charm about it which is a satisfaction to Jesus. You have to learn to go out of conviction, out of creeds, out of experiences, until so far as your faith is concerned, there is nothing between yourself and God.”

I found this interesting because I have come “without knowing.” Without knowing anyone here, without knowing a whole lot about the ministry, without knowing what I’ll be doing, without knowing where I’d be living or what the conditions would be.

I still don’t know what I’ll be doing these next three months and it is kind of up to me. Megan wants any volunteers/interns with Respire to be able to use their gifts and do what it is they feel God is leading them to. She doesn’t want to just stick a person into a job/position. So, I will live life here with the Respire family and, Lord willing, build relationships with our Haitian staff and neighbors and see where God leads me.

I’ve come at a relaxed/lulled down time as school is still out and everyone is on a bit of a break. Once things get back into swing come Monday I will get more of an idea of what kind of things go on on a daily basis, as well as all the various things Respire does here in Gressier.