Sounds of Haiti...

Martilene started talking over the summer and my name was one of the first things she said. So darn cute! Miss all the "Shawon"s I heard all day long...

My Heart...

As I sat on a plane from Port au Prince, Haiti to Atlanta, Georgia last Saturday (August 18) unable to keep my tears in check, I pulled out my notebook...

I just left behind 68 people whom I've grown to love dearly, who have been a constant, daily presence in my life for 4.5 months (not to mention over the years) and my heart aches. 

I've left the place my heart loves and am heading to a place with people I love, yet don't long to be.

I was semi-relieved when I booked a flight to the States Thursday but now that I'm in the air all I want to do is go back.

I don't want to re-learn life in the States, I didn't really miss life in the States... Haiti has my heart.

I Can See Your Unders...

Yesterday I spent most of the morning packing so I would have the rest of the day free for our planned activities. I left my room to take some clothes to a nanny, she wasn’t in her house but I saw Junette coming down the stairs from her house in this dress that was so little I could see her underwear peeking out from under her dress : )

I told her she needed a new dress so I took Junette to the depot and let her pick out a dress. She choose a pretty purple print with a little lace and then we picked dresses for the other two girls in her house (we have an over abundance of pillow case dresses).

After we picked out the dresses she told me she needed a new swimsuit, which she did, so we picked out a brand new swimsuit together.

After all that I was thinking that I hadn’t been able to spend a lot of time with Junette and that I didn’t have any pictures with Junette (or her house sister WaWane). So at the beach I told Junette and WaWane, “Mwe bezwen foto avek ou” (I need a photo with you). For some reason WaWane didn’t come over but I got a couple photos with Junette, I also took a random photo of her and Loveda eating almonds. I believe God blessed me with those photos. He knew what I didn’t and knew I needed to take those pictures, He gave me the gift of that morning with Junette. It’s possibly a bit morbid but as I thought about our morning in the depot picking out a new dress and swimsuit it made me think of The Christmas Shoes, “…I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight.” Junette looked beautiful yesterday when she met Jesus.

 Junette looking beautiful in her new swimsuit

 Where's your smile Junette?

 Can't imagine the smile she had on her face as she met Jesus, the ultimate adoption completed

Daily Light...

At some point early on in my time here I grabbed a book off the shelf called “Daily Light” which is a book of compiled Scripture readings for each morning and evening. This morning I decided to start off reading in it and decided to look at last nights reading (since I didn’t yesterday) and this is what it was…

Whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high. – The Lord is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens! … He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes.

God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will h

‘[‘’’’e not also with him graciously give us all things? … For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present not things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Prov. 29:25. Isa. 33:5. Ps. 113:4,7,8. Eph. 2:4-6

Rom. 8:32, 38, 39.

And then this was the reading for this morning…

That through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death.

Our Savior Christ Jesus…abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. – He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the Lord has spoken. – When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortals puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. – Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Heb. 2:14. 2 Tim. 1:10. Isa. 25:8. 1 Cor. 15:54-57.

2 Tim. 1:7. Ps. 23:4.

Nothing Back...

(8.10.12)

I wasn’t ready to leave Haiti but I never imagined I would be staying for the reason I am…

This is what Mark Stuart, Hands & Feet president, posted on facebook this afternoon….

It is with heavy hearts and deep emotion we are asking for your prayers. Today, August 10th, one of our precious little ones was involved in a tragic accident. Junette Jules, age 6, was pulled under the waves and dragged to sea while visiting the beach during a weekly outing. She has been missing since 1pm CST and is now presumed deceased. Please pray for our children and staff in Haiti as they cling to Jesus through this time.

~Mark Stuart

This afternoon Matt and I, along with our group of four women, took 14 pre-school aged kids to the beach as we do most Friday mornings/afternoons.

The water wasn’t too bad, the waves were a little rough but nothing that caused us to think it unsafe. We’d spent just over an hour in the water, running, playing, “jumping” waves, etc. I went for a walk down the beach with a couple of the kids, which turned into 12 of the 14 : ) and as we came back to where we were swimming Matt was handing out a snack of sour gummy worms. Since everyone was out of the water and seemed to be winding down I thought it would be a good moment to walk back down the beach and take some pictures of a beautiful scene had noticed on the first walk.

As I came back two of the kids ran to me and were saying what sounded like, “gade, anpil banans” (translation: look, a bunch of bananas), and I was kind of confused so I looked down the beach and saw all of our group gathered around near a little restaurant on the beach so I figure someone has a lot of bananas… Then they ask, “kote, Junette?” (where’s Junette?), again wasn’t really sure what was going on. As I get closer to the group one of the ladies ask me if Junette was with me, “no. no one came with me.” And then I get to Matt and he looks a little frantic and asks me “do you have Junette? Where’s Junette? Cadet almost just drowned. Where’s Junette?”

Already long story short we spent who knows how long searching the water, walking up and down the beach in case she’d wondered off. Cam and Craig showed up and the beach with a bunch of our Haitian construction workers, Stephen and Carrie who had been out swimming at a local hotel pool with their kids came out, we were all searching… Matt and I along with one of the ladies came back to campus with the kids and had to face our nannies and children who were waiting for us to see if we’d found Junette. There was wailing and weeping like I’ve never heard before.

The military, and UN eventually came out and were helping search, and to keep the Americans safe as the Haitians who had gathered on the beach were getting mad at us for losing a little girl.

The last of our staff didn’t come back to campus until after 5, so needless to say we are all physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

We are all telling each other it’s no one’s fault, it was accident, but then we are all beating ourselves up and playing the “what if” game.

What if I hadn’t walked down the beach? What if I had been there? Maybe I would have seen something no one else saw. Maybe I would have been with Junette when she saw Cadet needed help and jumped to action.

What if when Matt asked which beach we should go to I would have say Raymond (where we usually go) instead of agreeing upon Timiage?

What if I’d suggested we leave after having snacks like I was thinking since I was nearly 1?

What if? What if? What if?

But then I have to think about all these little things like the fact that I somewhat “randomly” started reading Job literally two days ago. 

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21b

Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad? Job 2:10

Maybe not so random…

Little things like the fact that I’d already pushed my back to work date back a week; death is not new to me, I’ve experienced the death of loved ones, and though this is completely different I feel a little more equipped to deal with it if that’s really possible.

Over the last few weeks I was re-introduced to a song called Nothing Back, it was not new to me but I hadn’t listened to it in a long time until we sang it at church on the beach a few weeks back. We sang it this past Sunday and last night I listened to/sang it about five times in a row and just said, “God this is my prayer. This is my prayer. Let this be my prayer.”

Here are some of the words to that song…

All I’ve got
All I am
All my dreams and
All my plans
I’m holding back
I’m holding nothing back from you
Whatever it takes
I trust you completely
I’m here in your hands
If you need to break me

I surrender it all
I lay it before you
For all of my days
I’ll give you the glory
You caused me to see
My heart is divided
Lord , take all of me
‘Cause I have decided

I’m not so sure I was ready to be broken in this way.

Something else is that picture I walked down the beach to take... Thinking it was going to be my last beach trip I was taking pictures of the shoreline right where we were swimming. So beautiful with the palm trees, ocean and clouds, but as I was walking back towards our swimming spot on my walk with the kids I looked up (I’m usually watching kids or looking at the ground for cool shells and sea glass) and down the shoreline I saw an amazingly beautiful scene! When you take a step back you don’t only see the palm trees that are right there, you see the majesty of the mountain range, the different levels (for lack of better words, sorry). Anyway, as I looked up and saw that it was as if God was saying, “you thought what you could see right in front of you was prettybut when you step back and see the whole picture it is even more beautiful than what you see close up. You can’t see the big picture but I can and it is beautiful. You see what you need to, but I’ve got the big picture.” I was walking back so I could get a shot of “the big picture” as a reminder of that… And now I cling to the fact that God see “the big picture” and it is beautiful even if I can’t see the beauty right now.

I’ve also already had the opportunity to talk about salvation with two of our kids (on separate occasions) who said they didn’t know if they would go to heaven or hell so I let them know they could know for sure. Pray for the hearts of our children as the next week their hearts will be heavy, hurting, confused, but also fertile soil for planting seeds. These children have already been through so much…

So many thoughts going through my head so there may be more posts to come because I’m sure I haven’t shared everything I was wanting to.

 The close up...

and the big picture (though a photo doesn't do it justice).

Two Showers...

Surprise, surprise, believe it or not, we’ve been having internet problems since Thursday (really for the past 6+ weeks). Not that I would have posted before now as my thoughts have been, and still are, all over the place.

As I was in the shower tonight it occurred to me that I only have two more showers (unless I get unusually hot, sweaty and/or sandy ;) in my cute little room that has become home and my leaving became a whole lot more real.

I’ve obviously been aware that my departure date is getting closer and closer as the numbers on the calendar get larger and as my shelves empty and become bare as I’ve slowly been packing over the past few days… but only TWO more cold showers?? Really?? How is that possible??

So many things I wanted to do/accomplish these past four months but haven’t. There are meals I need to learn to make, mountain lakes to see, hikes to take, restaurants to eat at, moto rides to be taken, a language to learn, friendships to develop, more hugs and kisses to give.

Kind of makes me look back and ask what I would have done different… Kind of makes me think about life in general and how I don’t want to look back and wish I’d been more intentional, not let opportunities pass me by, not have been so worried about what people might think, that I’d loved more fully, openly and freely.

I know I am changed after this experience, I know this is where my heart is, I know this is where I’d like my life to be. I also have no idea if it’s where I’ll end up so my prayer is that, no matter where I end up, no matter where the next part of my journey takes me, no matter how long that journey is, I will remain changed, that I will allow God to continue changing me, that I will remember the lessons I’ve learned and be intentional, to look for opportunities to serve and to love.

I am giving you all permission to hold me accountable. When you see me being selfish and looking to my own interests, call me out; when you see me passing up opportunities to love and serve, pull me aside; when you see me being cautious because I’m worried what others might think, dare me to be bold.

I know it’s not your responsibility, but please don’t sit on the sidelines and watch me waste chances to share Christ’s love, opportunities to grow and be changed. I need people to join in the game with me.

And none of that was what I’d planned on writing…

Packed in like sardines :) We had 24 kids, 4 nannies and 2 Americans in our little Mahindra...

And So It Begins...

Matt and I headed into Port this morning to drop off Natalie and so the good-byes have begun.

It was a good day, all three of us seating the front seat of the van for a last conversation, got to do some shopping on Pan America, and was able to watch some Olympics while waiting for Matt to take care of business at the internet store!

It was also a hard day as I took everything in processing that a lot of things I did/saw today were lasts for who knows how long… And then after worship tonight we had a staff member make the announcement that they will be leaving Hands and Feet to work for another ministry. It was heartbreaking to watch the kids faces as they processed and then asked questions like, “for how long? One week?” and then say, “that’s bad. Why doesn’t someone else go?”

It’s killing me all the good-byes these kids are having to say to people who have played a daily role in their lives for an extended period of time.

It’s so hard to be ready to leave some things behind but, on the other hand, not want to leave at all. I wish God would just show me the script… what’s next? What do You have for me? Where are You taking me from here? Because right now I feel like I’m being taken from the place and people I love and I don’t know if I’ll ever be back…

So many people I’ve met over the summer are praying for me and have spoken encouraging words, have reminded me of God’s promises for me and I’m trying to cling to those things.

I’m not ready for the good-byes.