A Beautiful Beginning

Shortly after our staff meeting finished this morning Megan entered the Café kitchen breathless and trembling, having to take a deep breath before being able to speak.

After a few calls to a contact she’d received from a friend she was put in contact with an agent from IBESR. A lady Megan might consider an enemy, someone she’d battled against to shut down an orphanage over a year ago.

After calming down a bit she said, “I found her. I know where Sarah is.”

IBESR had placed Sarah in a psychiatric hospital because they couldn’t find any other place for her.

Megan informed her we knew of an organization who wanted to take her.

We were told by the agent that if we could get there by noon (it was 10:30) she would take us to where Sarah was.

Josh, Megan, Mark and I all quickly grabbed our things and headed to the house and then were off to Port, praying God would go before us clearing the way and get us there in record time, for all to go smoothly and that we really would be able to get Sarah. I think we were all a bit anxious, it seemed too good to be true. IBESR was actually willing to help us?

We arrived at IBESR just before noon and that’s when the nerves and anxiousness really hit me.

After waiting for a bit the agent finally came out began speaking to Megan, and then we waited some more. We waited at least an hour (or so it seemed) until, finally, the agent emerged with another man and was ready to head to the hospital.

As we pulled up to the hospital the agent got out and told us to wait. She went into the hospital and then came out, no Sarah, entering another small building. As the minutes ticked by (I’m sure it seemed a lot longer than it really was) I just prayed that they would release Sarah, that they would allow us to take her. The agent then exited the building, no Sarah, and re-entered the hospital.

The next thing we knew Sarah was walking out the building and down the stairs! Megan and I literally jumped out of the truck and ran to her!  She recognized us and immediately was headed toward the vehicle ready to go! She hugged Mark and jumped into Josh’s arms. I just wanted to touch her and hold her face in my hands.

The first thing I noticed were her wrists; the marks were clear evidence that she’d been restrained with ropes. It broke my heart as one of the fears I’d had walking away from her in the police station was confirmed. They’d had to restrain her some way.

Once we pulled out of the hospital the relief finally hit me. It had actually happened. God had led us to Sarah and He’d put her back in our arms. As we drove out of Port it really hit me. Redemption. God was redeeming Sarah’s story right before our eyes.

We drove, along with the two IBESR agents, to myLIFEspeaks an organization just west of Gressier where paperwork was done and Sarah joined the mLs family!

My heart is so happy. So thankful. So completely overwhelmed.

We’ve grieved over this little girl the past few days, crying together, praying together, sleeping restlessly as she never left our minds.

As it turns out our role in Sarah’s story wasn’t over.  Sarah’s story now has a beautiful ending, or rather, a beautiful beginning. 

Thank you for all of your prayers and support throughout the past few days. Keep praying for Sarah as she has a lot of healing ahead of her. 

An Unwritten Ending

As I stood outside the Café talking to Megan a little girl came running across the highway as adults were throwing rocks and yelling “fou” (crazy).

She stood by Megan fearful and crying. No one knew who she was or where she’d come from, they just kept telling us she was crazy. Knowing she needed to get away from the gathering crowd of people Megan started walking her toward the house.

Minutes later a mass text was received asking us to come to the house now! Stephanie and I got to the house to find our staff there following the girl around as she tried to touch and pick up everything.

We spent an hour praying and singing over this child and she became calm, still and peaceful.

Not knowing what to do, but knowing it’s illegal to keep a child without paperwork, a few of us headed to the police station for paperwork or some kind of help. We were directed to another police station, and then another, and then directed to a “children’s organization” who then directed us back to the first police station we were at and actually giving us a phone number that ended up being the exact person we had talked to… We decided to head to the mayor’s office where things seemed to go a little better but the mayor wasn’t actually there and they were about to close so they couldn’t actually get us any paperwork right then.

We headed back home where a friend from another organization saw and recognized the child! She knew her name was Sarah along with a few other details.

We had a contact who said he knew where she lived but it fell through as his story continually changed and he stopped answering calls. We were more confused and any options we'd had had fallen through so we did the only thing we could do and kept her for the night.

As we bathed her Sarah got a glimpse of herself in the mirror and yelled out “Sarah!” As we bathed her it sickened me to think that anyone would hurt this child, that anyone would misuse this precious daughter of God, that someone didn’t want her and left her on the street all alone.

Six of us sat in the room with Sarah playing, talking, trying to get the splinters out of her beat up feet. We watched this young girl be more open, relaxed and comfortable then she had been. I got a glimpse of the potential she has if she could just get the help and love she needs.

Mark offered to be the one to stay with her for the night so we all wandered off to bed knowing we were “on call” if he needed us. No one really slept.

Morning brought us to the tough point of needing to make a decision. Knowing we couldn’t keep her without paperwork much longer, and knowing no other organization could take her directly from us, we made some calls and knew we had to head to IBESR (basically child services) in order for any organization to be able to legally take Sarah into their care.

Again, I loaded into the truck with Josh, Bernard (Respire Haiti team member and translator), and Sarah and we headed to the IBESR office in Port au Prince.

We received the runaround being told they couldn’t take “mental” children, saying we needed to take her to the mental hospital (um, that would be their job), then we were told it is “impossible” for them to take any child without paperwork so we needed to go to the police station (tried that three times already)!?!? 

It was highly frustrating and stressful as Sarah was freaking out and Josh and I struggled to keep her contained.

As we left the office the worker said “this is an office get that THING out of here.”

The moment we were back in the truck Sarah was calm, quiet, peaceful and smiling, holding my hand as we rode to the child division of the police department.

Arriving at the police station Josh wasn’t able to enter the grounds because he was wearing shorts so Bernard and I entered with Sarah. The moment we stepped into the building Sarah started freaking out. She knew what was happening and I’m not convinced it hadn’t happened before!

Bernard talked to someone and we were told that IBESR should have taken her, that they would send an officer with us and we needed to go back (again wanting us to do their job).

During all of this I am down a hall by myself where Sarah had writhed her way down, physically struggling with her as I tried to keep her from running. As I held her arms while she lay on the floor biting, pinching, hitting and scratching me, screaming and yelling out I stared into her eyes, seeing a totally different child, and knowing it wasn't legally possible I wanted to scoop her up say forget the “system” and take her back to the truck and home where she’d be calm and peaceful again.

So what do you do when the “right” thing to do doesn’t seem like the right thing at all but is really the only thing you can do?

What do you do when the only thing you can do is not right at all?

What do you do when the people who can help you, who are suppose to help you, won’t help you?

What do you do when the people whose job is to help and protect children don’t actually care about children at all and refer to them as “that thing”?

We had to do what we were hoping we wouldn’t have to but were afraid we would be forced to do.

I walked away from that sweet child sitting in fear on the police station floor after trying to physically restrain her while she hit, bit, pinched and scratched me, not because she is “crazy” or “sick” as everyone kept saying, but because she was completely and utterly frightened and unable to communicate.

After spending 30 hours with Sarah, getting a glimpse of her potential, seeing how bright she is, hearing her laugh, seeing her play, but also seeing how broken she was I turned my back, found Bernard and asked him why we couldn’t just leave. He again told me what he was being told, what we needed to do; I looked at Bernard, showed him my trembling hands and said “I can’t do this anymore. They need to do their job and take her.” Bernard said he was being told we couldn’t just leave her so I asked him “if I walk out right now will they arrest me? Will they arrest me?” and then with tears running down my face I didn’t look back and walked out of that building and off the grounds of the police station.

As the three of us loaded up in the truck and made the 1.5 hour drive home the atmosphere was heavy, our hearts were broken. I’d just lived one of the hardest days of my life.

So what do you do after being forced to abandon a child in order to get anyone to do their job?

You pray!

I’m praying God works a miracle, that someone will see the potential in Sarah, that someone will see how beautiful she is and view her as the precious child of God that she is.

I’m praying she ends up in a good place where she can get the help she needs in order to be the most she can be!

I know there was nothing else we could have done and I believe God had Sarah come to us for a reason.

All stories do not have happy endings but, while this might be the end of my role in Sarah’s story, I’m praying God takes Sarah’s story and makes something beautiful out of what others may only see as ashes and ruin.  

What do you do when the "right" thing to do doesn't seem like the right thing at all but is really the only thing you can do?

(blog to come if I can ever make sense out of and process all that has happened in the past 36 hours.)

The Battle is Real

(5.15.13)

We do not fight an earthly battle.

For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

I’ve mentioned before that evil and spiritual warfare are so evident in Haiti; Satan is constantly attacking and trying to discourage.

Do you know Haiti has one of the (if not the) highest turnover rates for missionaries and NGOs?

I hear these statistics, I watch people I now leave the country, I see fellow believers serving in Haiti struggle and become discouraged.

This makes me 1) thankful for Respire, 2) aware of how desperately I need Him daily, and 3) realize how important constant prayer is as satan is constantly attacking.

As a team we have purposed to gather together twice a week for worship; one of those times focusing on prayer, fighting the spiritual battles raging around us as we bow before the throne of Almighty God.

Tonight was that night. Tonight God laid people on my heart so heavily. He was present, He was moving among us.

We have so many things on our hearts as we watch people we love and care about struggle, as we watch people suffer, not knowing how to help but knowing God is the ultimate healer. We have concern for others as we are left in the dark and wondering about their whereabouts and circumstances.

In all of this we have so much to be thankful for, we look at how God is moving in Gressier through Respire, and in our lives and we have a million thank yous.

The battle rages. The struggle is real. The darkness is thick at times. Will you stand with us as we fight? Will you pray for us as we gather Sundays and Wednesdays to praise God and petition against the enemy?

As we pray for our friends who serve in Haiti whom we are seeing struggle and slowly burn out would you pray for protection for our team to remain renewed and for continued unity?

The battle is real. 

The Struggle

I've been trying so hard to blog semi-regularly and have been thinking about it for the past week but have a bad case of bloggers block...
So in order to not go yet another week without blogging, and to "keep it real" I decided to share these lyrics and my struggle...

                                                                               "The Struggle"

Tenth Avenue North

There's a wreckage, there's a fire
There's a weakness in my love
There's a hunger I can't control
Lord I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to the chains you broke
When You came down and saved my soul
Save my soul

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

So I look, do I still fail
Do I withhold, do I still give in to temptation
On my own I am bankrupt
I will trust You, I'll take you at your word
You promise

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

Hallelujah, death is overcome
And we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
A flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
And we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
Can you feel it?

Hallelujah, death is overcome
And we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
A flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
And we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
Can you feel it?

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

Lately I've been struggling with one of our live-in Haitian staff; I'm toeing the line of knowing when to speak up and when to let her make poor decisions. I want her and what she is doing to be successful, and I also want her to take ownership, to stop relying on me and step up, but everytime I try to suggest something or explain why what she's thinking might not be the best option it's taken as an attack, or as Americans being better then Haitians, knowing more, thinking our ways are best, etc, etc. 
It's been really hard and I'm on my last ounce of patience as she's really started "pushing my buttons" so to speak, and making things personal. I'm struggling to be patient, to be kind, to be loving, to not be frustrated and upset. I'm struggling to keep my focus on what the goal really is, on what the reason is for doing what we're doing because of everything else that is going on. Satan is definitely trying to tear down, distract and discourage.
I'm in need of some good ol' serious God time, strengthening and encouraging. Praying for patience, a soft heart, kind works, and a gentle spirit. 
So there it is, me being "real." 

Bon Fet

A couple nights ago I started going through the nearly 1,000 messages in my inbox and cleaning out my e-mail. As I started with the oldest I quickly came upon a couple things my dad had forwarded and then came to an e-mail my mom sent, which she had found when she was going through dads computer a couple months after he'd passed away, of tidbits my dad had written about himself. Anyway, might be needless to say that I was immediately in tears. Miss him so much!
On today, his birthday, I wanted to share that e-mail to honor him and give you a little peek into why I love and miss him so much...

1. One of my collagraph prints, titled “The East Window,” was on display at the Smithsonian in Washing DC for a week during the early 70,s and is now part of the permanent collection of the McKnight Fine Arts Center.

2. As a kid growing up we never went to movies and we had no television. My parents got their first TV after I left for college.

3. I was born in Hollywood, California.

4. I went to college for 8 years and have two college degrees and no BA or BS to show for it — only a BRE and BFA from Grace University and Wichita State University.

5. I lived in Cali, Colombia, South America for eight months working as a graphic designer in the Charles Chapman Publication Center.

6. I never watch MSM (Mainstream Media).

7. In 1988 I was a delegate to the Missouri Republican Convention in St Louis.

8. I grew up on a farm and learned to drive a stick-shift before I knew there was anything else.

9. I have survived two car accidents where the cars were totaled. In one I landed upside down in a dry creek and the only way out was though the broken back window. The only thing that hurt was the tops of my thighs — that happened when I disconnected my seatbelt and I dropped from my hanging position and my legs hit the steering wheel.

10. The first four years of my elementary education took place in a one-room school house. It was a mile-and-a-half walk.

11. I was never taught phonics in school. I was taught the new, progressive, “whole word” or “look-say” method. 

12. I was in high school walking past the drinking fountain when I heard the announcement that President Kennedy had been assassinated.

13. It was in a creek on my grandfather’s farm that I learned to swim — naked.

14. As a small child I would often stray from the house and set my mother in a panic many times. One time she found me a half-mile down our country road on my tricycle. When she asked me where I was going, I told her, Grandma’s house (it was only 30 miles away).


15. I graduated from Berean Academy (high school) in Elbing, Kansas #23 in a class of 32 — nope, not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

16. My first car was a 1950 Pontiac coupe. My dad bought it for $50.00 and then spent $100.00 on four new tires.

17. I was on both the year book and paper staff while attending Berean and Grace. 

18. Was able to pay my school bills at Wichita State when I applied for and was awarded the paid position of Art Editor of the yearbook. Gloria Watson was the editor and we published the year book under budget — so the next year the board of publications slashed our budget — figuring we had way too much money to spend and were just wasting it!

19. I have been to New York City, Washington D.C. and the San Diego zoo twice. 

20. In the forth grade my mother taught a weekly Child Evangelism Good News Bible club in the public school I attended. No one protested. Imagine!

21. I took piano lessons in grade school, high school and college and no, I still can’t play worth a hoot.

22. Children truly are a blessing from the Lord and I have come to appreciate what a blessing big families are. Becky and I have both lost a parent and a sibling. I only have my mother and one brother left in my immediate family, Becky has a father, brother and three sisters.

23. I believe Catholics are more pro-life than “evangelicals” because actions speak louder than words. Think about it.

24. I am so glad that Becky agreed to home-school our children. It was not her idea. May her children rise up and call her blessed (Proverbs 31:28). 

25. I know 9-11 was an inside job. And I applaud Mark Cahill, author and Summit Ministries instructor, for his courage as one of the featured speakers in standing up at the November 6, 2004 Worldview Weekend in Kansas City and speaking the truth about what happened that day.