Beginnings

And so begins the start of another journey. This journey starts not only with a new year but with a new ministry, a new village, new co-workers (I'm sure I will be calling them family before too long), new friendships. 
All of this "new" also bring along a lot of unknown. I'm excited for the "new" and at the same time a little nervous/anxious for the "unknown." 

My prayer (and this is what I ask you to pray for me) is not for safety, not that I will be comfortable. My prayer is that I use these three months wisely and make the most of the time God is giving me in Haiti (this time around :). My prayer is that I will be acutely aware of the people and needs around me, not missing any opportunities. My prayer is for boldness. My prayer is that the people I am living with/among will see Jesus in/through me despite a language barrier. My prayer is for spiritual protection in a land where spiritual battle rages and is palpable. My prayer, above all else, is that God will be glorified in and through me.
Please be praying these things along with me. After this summer I so realize the importance of prayer support   and covet each of your prayers. It is so encouraging to know people are praying, to receive the simple words, "we prayed for you today," or "I'm praying." 
I don't know what the internet situation is but, I promise to do my best to update this blog, maybe post a picture to facebook here and there, and whatever else I can do to keep in touch. I also want to know what's going on back here in the States! So, please, feel free to leave comments on the blog, send an email, post on facebook, etc.

Here's to a New Year, a new journey, and God being glorified in it all.

And I'm Off

It’s official! It has been for a while but it feels more “real” now that flights have been booked!

I leave KC December 31 (a tad sooner than originally thought), flying into Haiti January 1.

I was able to coordinate flights with a friend who is flying back so we’ll get to spend New Years together in Miami (airport) enjoying a nearly 12 hour (for me) layover. Yippee!

God definitely worked the details out as my other options had not been working out. It was also a bit of a confirmation as all this came about yesterday evening (see previous post written Dec. 10).

I leave Haiti April 1, arriving in KC the following day.

Thank you so much for your support and prayers which I covet greatly. 

It's a Wonderful Life

(written Dec. 10)
My morning started with finding out I have Friday off (yay!) followed by finding out the family I work for will be moving to North Carolina. Translation: I may not have a job when I return, and if I do it won’t be for long.

This brought mixed emotions of excitement for the possibilities the next few months may bring, and anticipation of seeing God’s plans unfold. And on the other hand there was worry and doubt. What if I come back to no job and no prospects? And questioning; was this the right decision? Maybe people were right and what I thought to be God’s direction wasn’t.

Man does Satan just step right in at the slightest hiccup and bombard us with his fiery darts. God quickly stepped up and quenched those darts as I read the following things, and remembered what I had just heard at church yesterday.

“… Meanwhile, Jesus commands us to go. He has created each of us to take the gospel to the ends of the earth, and I propose that anything less than radical devotion to this purpose is unbiblical Christianity.”

“Every saved person this side of heaven owes the gospel to every lost person this side of hell. We owe Christ to the world – to the least person and to the greatest person, to the richest person and to the poorest person, to the best person and to the worst person. We are in debt to the nations.”

“But what if we don’t need to sit back and wait for a call to foreign missions? What if the very reason we have breath is because we have been saved for a global mission? And what if anything less than passionate involvement in global mission is actually selling God short by frustrating the very purpose for which he created us?” (all quotes from Radical by David Platt)

“I [Jesus] have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Sunday’s message was from Luke 1:26-37; 46-55, titled “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

After the visit from Gabriel announcing that Mary would give birth to God’s Son Mary’s life became abnormal, her life was turned upside down, her life was re-scripted. Yet in all of that she praised God, she responded, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

Mary was favored by God. She was chosen by God to bring His Son into the world. But being a Christian, being favored by God does not mean we will have an easy life free of worries, trials and tribulations. It means we WILL have trials and tribulations, we will be persecuted, and we will be tested.

I want to be like Mary. I want to embrace the blessing and not the burden.

God sees the big picture and what He sees is beautiful. I’m just along for the ride :) 

Sak Pase?

I decided the blog needed a face a lift. A new beginning for a new journey :)
And I promise to try and keep this up a little better... I know, I know. You shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

Thank you for joining me on this new journey, for praying for, supporting, and encouraging me. My upcoming time in Haiti will be unlike any other trip I've made to Haiti. Every trip is different, of course, but this will be so completely different and out of my comfort zone. I feel like God is going to use this time to really challenge, grow and change me. I pray I am workable clay in my Potter's hands.

Two Journeys...

I've started a couple posts since I've been back in the States but have  not completed them... maybe I'll pull my thoughts together and finish them. Eventually...

I'm facing, what's turning out to be a difficult, decision. To pursue an opportunity to return to Haiti in January or not. Who thought I would have trouble with this decision?!? Not me, that's for sure!

As previously stated I have an opportunity to return to Haiti in January with an organization called Respire Haiti, it would be a 2.5 month "internship." There are multiple things which factor into this decision, it's not long-term (but an opportunity that God could use to open those doors), I would most likely be quitting my (not-so-bad) job and be coming back to no work (if I come back...), fundraising, etc, etc. 

Last week I started a Bible Study on Ruth with a group of ladies from church; week one was titled "Two Journeys," the first day was "Fleeing Home." I couldn't help but compare it to my journey to Haiti, and my decision(s) about returning to Haiti. 
Day one was a lot of background on the Moabites, a nation which God had commanded His people, the Israelites, not to be in relationship with. The country to which Elimeelech fled with his family due to famine in Judah. (Some of the scripture readings were Ruth 1:1-2; Deut. 23:3-6 and Judges 3:12-14 should you care to look them up. :)

"...Here they stood on the precipice of a sticky decision - to stay in the arid land of God's choosing or to flee to the bountiful one God had roped off. We know that Elimelech chose the latter, but the question today is What will you choose? Perhaps the Lord has you in difficult circumstances and the attractive land of Moab is an alluring decision away. Escaping to easier terrain is all too tempting when we're weary in hardship."

So, we've got the arid land and the bountiful one... for me, which is Haiti and which is the States? I don't think God has "roped off" either to me, but which one is the "easier terrain"? I'm not entirely sure. 
My heart is in Haiti, I love Haiti. But is that just me and my selfish desires? I believe it is a desire God has placed in me. 
Then there are days when I'm driving down the street and I think I could be happy/content here just working, being involved in church, advocating for orphans from/in the States. So is that the "easier terrain" or would that be the "land of God's choosing"?
Do I simply not have enough faith to quit my job and go for it? See where God will lead?What He has to teach me? How He wants to grow me? Am I putting too much stock in what others are saying (or not saying)?

Kelly (the author of the Bible study) had us read Galatians 6:9 and Hebrews 11:24-26 then  "write about how these verses encourage you to stand firm where God has you," being as thoughtful and detailed as we could.

I know what my heart says. (I also know what my brain says. ;) ) I know God hasn't shut the door yet. I know either decision will take me having faith in one way or another.
This study has already encouraged me, God has already used it to speak to me in the place I am in right now.
Hopefully this can be an encouragement to you in the decisions you are facing right now, and not just me and my random babble as I spew my thoughts about, I pray you are encouraged to stay where God has you, move forward to where He is leading, or perhaps to return to an "arid land" which you have fled in order to pursue that which looked more bountiful, attractive and alluring. 

Sounds of Haiti...

Martilene started talking over the summer and my name was one of the first things she said. So darn cute! Miss all the "Shawon"s I heard all day long...

My Heart...

As I sat on a plane from Port au Prince, Haiti to Atlanta, Georgia last Saturday (August 18) unable to keep my tears in check, I pulled out my notebook...

I just left behind 68 people whom I've grown to love dearly, who have been a constant, daily presence in my life for 4.5 months (not to mention over the years) and my heart aches. 

I've left the place my heart loves and am heading to a place with people I love, yet don't long to be.

I was semi-relieved when I booked a flight to the States Thursday but now that I'm in the air all I want to do is go back.

I don't want to re-learn life in the States, I didn't really miss life in the States... Haiti has my heart.

I Can See Your Unders...

Yesterday I spent most of the morning packing so I would have the rest of the day free for our planned activities. I left my room to take some clothes to a nanny, she wasn’t in her house but I saw Junette coming down the stairs from her house in this dress that was so little I could see her underwear peeking out from under her dress : )

I told her she needed a new dress so I took Junette to the depot and let her pick out a dress. She choose a pretty purple print with a little lace and then we picked dresses for the other two girls in her house (we have an over abundance of pillow case dresses).

After we picked out the dresses she told me she needed a new swimsuit, which she did, so we picked out a brand new swimsuit together.

After all that I was thinking that I hadn’t been able to spend a lot of time with Junette and that I didn’t have any pictures with Junette (or her house sister WaWane). So at the beach I told Junette and WaWane, “Mwe bezwen foto avek ou” (I need a photo with you). For some reason WaWane didn’t come over but I got a couple photos with Junette, I also took a random photo of her and Loveda eating almonds. I believe God blessed me with those photos. He knew what I didn’t and knew I needed to take those pictures, He gave me the gift of that morning with Junette. It’s possibly a bit morbid but as I thought about our morning in the depot picking out a new dress and swimsuit it made me think of The Christmas Shoes, “…I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight.” Junette looked beautiful yesterday when she met Jesus.

 Junette looking beautiful in her new swimsuit

 Where's your smile Junette?

 Can't imagine the smile she had on her face as she met Jesus, the ultimate adoption completed

Daily Light...

At some point early on in my time here I grabbed a book off the shelf called “Daily Light” which is a book of compiled Scripture readings for each morning and evening. This morning I decided to start off reading in it and decided to look at last nights reading (since I didn’t yesterday) and this is what it was…

Whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high. – The Lord is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens! … He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes.

God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will h

‘[‘’’’e not also with him graciously give us all things? … For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present not things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Prov. 29:25. Isa. 33:5. Ps. 113:4,7,8. Eph. 2:4-6

Rom. 8:32, 38, 39.

And then this was the reading for this morning…

That through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death.

Our Savior Christ Jesus…abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. – He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the Lord has spoken. – When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortals puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. – Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Heb. 2:14. 2 Tim. 1:10. Isa. 25:8. 1 Cor. 15:54-57.

2 Tim. 1:7. Ps. 23:4.

Nothing Back...

(8.10.12)

I wasn’t ready to leave Haiti but I never imagined I would be staying for the reason I am…

This is what Mark Stuart, Hands & Feet president, posted on facebook this afternoon….

It is with heavy hearts and deep emotion we are asking for your prayers. Today, August 10th, one of our precious little ones was involved in a tragic accident. Junette Jules, age 6, was pulled under the waves and dragged to sea while visiting the beach during a weekly outing. She has been missing since 1pm CST and is now presumed deceased. Please pray for our children and staff in Haiti as they cling to Jesus through this time.

~Mark Stuart

This afternoon Matt and I, along with our group of four women, took 14 pre-school aged kids to the beach as we do most Friday mornings/afternoons.

The water wasn’t too bad, the waves were a little rough but nothing that caused us to think it unsafe. We’d spent just over an hour in the water, running, playing, “jumping” waves, etc. I went for a walk down the beach with a couple of the kids, which turned into 12 of the 14 : ) and as we came back to where we were swimming Matt was handing out a snack of sour gummy worms. Since everyone was out of the water and seemed to be winding down I thought it would be a good moment to walk back down the beach and take some pictures of a beautiful scene had noticed on the first walk.

As I came back two of the kids ran to me and were saying what sounded like, “gade, anpil banans” (translation: look, a bunch of bananas), and I was kind of confused so I looked down the beach and saw all of our group gathered around near a little restaurant on the beach so I figure someone has a lot of bananas… Then they ask, “kote, Junette?” (where’s Junette?), again wasn’t really sure what was going on. As I get closer to the group one of the ladies ask me if Junette was with me, “no. no one came with me.” And then I get to Matt and he looks a little frantic and asks me “do you have Junette? Where’s Junette? Cadet almost just drowned. Where’s Junette?”

Already long story short we spent who knows how long searching the water, walking up and down the beach in case she’d wondered off. Cam and Craig showed up and the beach with a bunch of our Haitian construction workers, Stephen and Carrie who had been out swimming at a local hotel pool with their kids came out, we were all searching… Matt and I along with one of the ladies came back to campus with the kids and had to face our nannies and children who were waiting for us to see if we’d found Junette. There was wailing and weeping like I’ve never heard before.

The military, and UN eventually came out and were helping search, and to keep the Americans safe as the Haitians who had gathered on the beach were getting mad at us for losing a little girl.

The last of our staff didn’t come back to campus until after 5, so needless to say we are all physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

We are all telling each other it’s no one’s fault, it was accident, but then we are all beating ourselves up and playing the “what if” game.

What if I hadn’t walked down the beach? What if I had been there? Maybe I would have seen something no one else saw. Maybe I would have been with Junette when she saw Cadet needed help and jumped to action.

What if when Matt asked which beach we should go to I would have say Raymond (where we usually go) instead of agreeing upon Timiage?

What if I’d suggested we leave after having snacks like I was thinking since I was nearly 1?

What if? What if? What if?

But then I have to think about all these little things like the fact that I somewhat “randomly” started reading Job literally two days ago. 

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21b

Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad? Job 2:10

Maybe not so random…

Little things like the fact that I’d already pushed my back to work date back a week; death is not new to me, I’ve experienced the death of loved ones, and though this is completely different I feel a little more equipped to deal with it if that’s really possible.

Over the last few weeks I was re-introduced to a song called Nothing Back, it was not new to me but I hadn’t listened to it in a long time until we sang it at church on the beach a few weeks back. We sang it this past Sunday and last night I listened to/sang it about five times in a row and just said, “God this is my prayer. This is my prayer. Let this be my prayer.”

Here are some of the words to that song…

All I’ve got
All I am
All my dreams and
All my plans
I’m holding back
I’m holding nothing back from you
Whatever it takes
I trust you completely
I’m here in your hands
If you need to break me

I surrender it all
I lay it before you
For all of my days
I’ll give you the glory
You caused me to see
My heart is divided
Lord , take all of me
‘Cause I have decided

I’m not so sure I was ready to be broken in this way.

Something else is that picture I walked down the beach to take... Thinking it was going to be my last beach trip I was taking pictures of the shoreline right where we were swimming. So beautiful with the palm trees, ocean and clouds, but as I was walking back towards our swimming spot on my walk with the kids I looked up (I’m usually watching kids or looking at the ground for cool shells and sea glass) and down the shoreline I saw an amazingly beautiful scene! When you take a step back you don’t only see the palm trees that are right there, you see the majesty of the mountain range, the different levels (for lack of better words, sorry). Anyway, as I looked up and saw that it was as if God was saying, “you thought what you could see right in front of you was prettybut when you step back and see the whole picture it is even more beautiful than what you see close up. You can’t see the big picture but I can and it is beautiful. You see what you need to, but I’ve got the big picture.” I was walking back so I could get a shot of “the big picture” as a reminder of that… And now I cling to the fact that God see “the big picture” and it is beautiful even if I can’t see the beauty right now.

I’ve also already had the opportunity to talk about salvation with two of our kids (on separate occasions) who said they didn’t know if they would go to heaven or hell so I let them know they could know for sure. Pray for the hearts of our children as the next week their hearts will be heavy, hurting, confused, but also fertile soil for planting seeds. These children have already been through so much…

So many thoughts going through my head so there may be more posts to come because I’m sure I haven’t shared everything I was wanting to.

 The close up...

and the big picture (though a photo doesn't do it justice).

Two Showers...

Surprise, surprise, believe it or not, we’ve been having internet problems since Thursday (really for the past 6+ weeks). Not that I would have posted before now as my thoughts have been, and still are, all over the place.

As I was in the shower tonight it occurred to me that I only have two more showers (unless I get unusually hot, sweaty and/or sandy ;) in my cute little room that has become home and my leaving became a whole lot more real.

I’ve obviously been aware that my departure date is getting closer and closer as the numbers on the calendar get larger and as my shelves empty and become bare as I’ve slowly been packing over the past few days… but only TWO more cold showers?? Really?? How is that possible??

So many things I wanted to do/accomplish these past four months but haven’t. There are meals I need to learn to make, mountain lakes to see, hikes to take, restaurants to eat at, moto rides to be taken, a language to learn, friendships to develop, more hugs and kisses to give.

Kind of makes me look back and ask what I would have done different… Kind of makes me think about life in general and how I don’t want to look back and wish I’d been more intentional, not let opportunities pass me by, not have been so worried about what people might think, that I’d loved more fully, openly and freely.

I know I am changed after this experience, I know this is where my heart is, I know this is where I’d like my life to be. I also have no idea if it’s where I’ll end up so my prayer is that, no matter where I end up, no matter where the next part of my journey takes me, no matter how long that journey is, I will remain changed, that I will allow God to continue changing me, that I will remember the lessons I’ve learned and be intentional, to look for opportunities to serve and to love.

I am giving you all permission to hold me accountable. When you see me being selfish and looking to my own interests, call me out; when you see me passing up opportunities to love and serve, pull me aside; when you see me being cautious because I’m worried what others might think, dare me to be bold.

I know it’s not your responsibility, but please don’t sit on the sidelines and watch me waste chances to share Christ’s love, opportunities to grow and be changed. I need people to join in the game with me.

And none of that was what I’d planned on writing…

Packed in like sardines :) We had 24 kids, 4 nannies and 2 Americans in our little Mahindra...

And So It Begins...

Matt and I headed into Port this morning to drop off Natalie and so the good-byes have begun.

It was a good day, all three of us seating the front seat of the van for a last conversation, got to do some shopping on Pan America, and was able to watch some Olympics while waiting for Matt to take care of business at the internet store!

It was also a hard day as I took everything in processing that a lot of things I did/saw today were lasts for who knows how long… And then after worship tonight we had a staff member make the announcement that they will be leaving Hands and Feet to work for another ministry. It was heartbreaking to watch the kids faces as they processed and then asked questions like, “for how long? One week?” and then say, “that’s bad. Why doesn’t someone else go?”

It’s killing me all the good-byes these kids are having to say to people who have played a daily role in their lives for an extended period of time.

It’s so hard to be ready to leave some things behind but, on the other hand, not want to leave at all. I wish God would just show me the script… what’s next? What do You have for me? Where are You taking me from here? Because right now I feel like I’m being taken from the place and people I love and I don’t know if I’ll ever be back…

So many people I’ve met over the summer are praying for me and have spoken encouraging words, have reminded me of God’s promises for me and I’m trying to cling to those things.

I’m not ready for the good-byes. 

Hosanna...

I’m sitting in my room at my laptop beginning a sermon DVD and outside my window there are a bunch of little girls singing praise songs in Creole. What is more beautiful than hearing children sing praise songs I know in English in their own language? Melts my heart.

Excited for my last Sunday at Hosanna tomorrow morning, a church I’ve come to love and call my own here in Haiti (we’ve been unable to attend the last couple Sundays because we’ve had groups here). It’s crazy how you can feel the presence of Holy Spirit as you sing along in another language not really knowing what you’re saying. It’s been a powerful, growing, eye-opening experience to “do church” with our Hosanna family over the past few months. Thankful for the day Matt and I (along with Natalie on her first Sunday here) decided to visit. I’m eager to fellowship with my church family in the States and take this fresh excitement for the church with me : )

So there was nothing deep or exciting about this post but I, very randomly, had to share what I’m hearing outside my window and the other stuff just came along with it out of nowhere…

Because I Love You...

(7.13.12)

There’s a young, single midwife running a clinic here in Jacmel who is currently taking care of a little baby girl who has aids (we actually have her brother here at HAF). Sarah brought Louise to our 4^th of July party (she was 1.5 weeks at the time) and I was able to spend quite a bit of time holding this precious tiny baby. As Natalie, Matt and I stood staring at her I asked, “how do you hurt this?,” to which Matt automatically responded, “you don’t!” I explained that I didn’t actually mean Louise but all the babies who are abused and abandoned everyday, the babies we have here who were dumped down 35 foot outhouse toilets minutes after being delivered. Holding and staring at that precious tiny baby, falling instantly in love, I just couldn’t comprehend…

Two days later we met another little girl, Jillian, who is now at another orphanage here in Jacmel. Jillian is 2 years old and weighs 10 pounds. I have never seen such a sight, in person, in my life. I was happy for Jillian and the care she is now receiving, happy that she will make it, that she will one day walk and play and feel the ocean on her skin. But at the same time my heart broke, not understanding how her parents, the people who are suppose to love and protect her, could allow her to be in such a state.

This was all amplified as we had some discussions with our group that week about our kids, being a parent, etc. We (Matt, Cam and I) are not her to be these kids’ parents but the reality is we are a parental figure in their lives. We help take care of them, we discipline them, hold them when they cry, take them on outings, spend one-on-one time with them, etc. Anyway, I hadn’t really thought about it until we started having the discussion but I suddenly understood the love of a parent (if even just a little bit) like I never had before, being that I’ve never been a parent J

These kids have become “my children.” They test my patience and frustrate me at times, sometimes I just want to walk away and not deal with them, some days I just want to stay in my room and not come out. But then that frustrating child does something and I’m reminded how much I love, not only that child, but all of these kids. It was talking with our group that I understood that thing our parents always said, “no matter what you do I’ll always love you.” No matter what any of these kids do, not matter how much they test my patience, no matter how frustrating they are, no matter how many “episodes” I have to restrain them through, there is nothing that will make me stop loving these kids.

I also now understand the whole “I discipline you because I love you.” I always dis-liked (because hate is a strong word :) ) when my parents told me that after a spanking, but now I understand. I discipline the kids here because want the best for them, because I want them to be honest, respectful children and someday adults.

I read this compilation of scripture passages this morning…

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.

I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. – For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – “I Kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost.”

For the Lord takes pleasure in his people. – “Delighting in the children of man.” – The great love with which he loved us. – “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.”

You were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. – If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lords.

Song 7:10. 2 Tim. 1:12. Rom. 8:38, 39. John 17:12. Ps. 149:4. Prov. 8:31. Eph. 2:4. John 15:13. 1 Cor. 6:20. Rom. 14:8

I’ve always loved Romans 8:38,39 but reading it in light of everything I shared above I had a new understanding of God’s love for me and how nothing I do can stop Him from loving me. I can do nothing that will separate me from His love. I see how becoming a parent gives a whole new understanding of God’s sacrifice and love.

So I feel like this is jumbled and may not make a whole lot of sense but they are the thoughts that have been going through my head and I needed to write them down. There are so many more thoughts but I don’t want to add to this disjointed mess :)

One Month...

(7.11.12)

Well here I am at the “one month left” mark. It’s definitely bittersweet (a lot more bitter than sweet), and while I know I shouldn’t borrow tomorrows worries today I couldn’t help it this afternoon. I was out scrubbing the girl’s galri with the girls so it will be ready for the group to paint next week and as 15 little girls start putting on their swimsuits, playing, singing, laughing, slipping and sliding as we work I can’t help but ask, “how do you say good-bye?”

How do you say good-bye to 68 children whose lives you’ve been involved in for four months, who all have a place in your heart, who all long for stability and love, whose voices you now know before seeing the face they belong to… 

If It's Not One Thing It's Another...

(7.7.12)

Yesterday was a hard day and today hasn’t started off any easier.

Everyone (American staff) is off camps for the day so I’ll probably stay in my room with my thoughts most of the day.

I broke out the guitar this morning after seeing the group off and this song connected…

“Will Your grace run out if I let You down

‘Cause all I know is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner

If it’s not one thing it’s another

Caught up in words tangled in lies

But You are a Savior and You take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful beautiful

Will You call me child when I tell you lies

‘Cause all I know is how to cry”

On top of everything else I’m definitely feeling like I’ve let God down in so many ways. I’m imperfect, selfish, self-centered, lacking in love, compassion and knowledge of Him. “If it’s not one thing it is another.”

I’m broken but I’m trying to believe and have hope that out of all of this God will make something beautiful even though I don't see it right now.

It’s hard not having any contact with the outside world and not feeling like you can talk to the people here who you thought you could talk to… which also makes me feel terrible for having any sort of pity for myself.

My thoughts and emotions are everywhere and I’m not really sure what I think or feel right now.

Does anyone from back home want to come for a visit? J

“My grace if sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9a

If You Don't Laugh You'll Cry...

I'm alive! We've been without internet for nearly two weeks so I've posted the dates I actually wrote these next couple posts.

(7.6.12)

And right now I just want to break down and cry.

As I near having only one month left here, as I build relationships with  nannies and other workers, as I bond with the kids more and more each day, even as I think of trivial/selfish things like not having the mountain to look at everyday, not having the ocean as the backdrop of my life I almost have a sort of panic attack.

How do I leave this? How do I live in the States? How do I get out of bed and go about my day without the voices of 68 children as my soundtrack? What do I do if I’m not caring for these children? What did I do before that was of such importance as this?

I trust God and am willing to do whatever He leads me to next but with that is the fear that maybe He won’t call me back to Haiti… Or maybe it will be years…

Add that to daily life here and an “issue” we’re having now with some employees (an “issue” on which some of us aren’t agreeing), and there doesn’t seem to be anything to laugh about right now leaving crying as the only/best option.

Not Home Yet...

Shortly after my dad passed away I was talking with a friend about being fatherless and they reminded me that God is A Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5) and it was the first time I could really relate to/claim that verse for myself. As I thought about the fact that heaven is now home to my earthly father as well as my Heavenly Father I longed for heaven like I never had before. God really began showing me that this world is not my home and it’s not what my soul longs for.

Around that time Building429 came out with a song, WhereI Belong, which quickly became a theme for my life that year, and now still.

God has reminded me of this fact lately with what’s been going on here, and as I’ve been reading in Hebrews these verses really stuck out to me the past few days… They confessed that they were strangers and foreigners on the earth… they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one… For here we have no lasting city, but we are looking for the city that is to come (Hebrews 11:13b & 16a, 13:14).

So as I think about returning to the States in a few short weeks (seven to be exact) and don’t necessarily feel that that is really home, and as I don’t really feel like I’m at home in Haiti right now God is reminding me that I will never really feel like I’m at home until I’m with Him; That my soul will never fully be satisfied as long as I walk this earth.

I’m reminded to live life to the fullest, to walk in faith as those in Hebrews 11 did but to have my ultimate destination, heaven, always as my focus. 

These are the study notes on the above verses from Hebrews

11.13 That we are “strangers and foreigners” may be an awareness forced upon us by circumstances. It may come late in life or as the result of difficult times. But this world is not our home. We cannot live here forever. It is best for us not to be so attached to this world’s desires and possessions that we can’t move out at God’s command.

11.13-16 These people of faith died without receiving all that God had promised, but they never lost their vision of heaven (“a homeland”). Many Christians become frustrated and defeated because their needs, wants, expectations, and demands are not immediately met when they believe in Christ. They become impatient and want to quit. Are you discouraged because your goal seems far away? Take courage from these heroes of the faith who lived and died without seeing the fruit of their faith on earth, and yet continued to believe.

13.14 We should not be attached to this world, because all that we are and have here is temporary. Only our relationship with God and our service to him will last. Don’t store up your treasures here, store them in heaven (Matthew 6.19-21).

Snapshot Sunday

As I debate about whether or not to post the blog I wrote Friday (before I can post the one I wrote today) I'll give you some pictures enjoy :)

 Saturday hike

 Some of our boys at group devotions

For those of you who have been wanting to see our new room (I like it but it's not much so don't get too excited :) Disclaimer: we were still moving in so things are a bit messy and disorganized in these photos...

 As you walk in the door...

and turn the corner...

 and turn a little more (my corner of the room)...

 view from my bed of Natalie's corner and the bathroom...

 our cozy little bathroom...

 and more bathroom.

One of the girls from the Show Hope group at the beach with Renaud

 This note was in my encouragement bag from all of the Show Hope girls :) (Matt had a note stating the opposite). It gave us a good chuckle. 

 Marie Denise & D'Jlonde at the beach last Thursday

 M & M

 Celebrated Miss Claire's 8th birthday today!

 Gio going all Karate Kid at the beach yesterday

 Hangin' out on the Montero

I just walked up to the galri and this is the site I saw...